


#2: Deadpool

by DeansTrapQueen



Series: Merry Month of Masturbation 2016 [2]
Category: Deadpool (2016), Spider-Man (Movies - Raimi)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Fantasizing, Masturbation, Merry Month of Masturbation Challenge, Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 06:51:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6743920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeansTrapQueen/pseuds/DeansTrapQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deadpool moves into a new apartment, and he makes it feel like home in the best way he knows: masturbating and eating too many burritos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	#2: Deadpool

     After burning down his apartment while making frozen chimichangas, everyone's favorite anti-hero was left homeless. He had no choice but to stay in a dirty motel until he could find a new place to live. Somehow, by some stroke of luck, he only lived in the crappy motel for three days before finding a nice, cheap apartment in the newspaper. He called the number listed in the ad. A gruff guy named Ed answered and told Wade that he could come check out the apartment, and if he wanted it, he could move in tomorrow. Wade was cautious, but he checked it out. It was in a bad neighborhood, which is why it was so cheap. He didn't care, though. He could deal with it. After looking around the place and making sure it was clean and everything in it was working, he told Ed that he'd take it. Ed was ecstatic, which Wade found to be a little weird. Ed told him that every night, all you can hear next door is a headboard banging against the wall and moaning. _Ooh, I wonder who's having all the sex. Are they attractive? Could I join in?_ Wade thought as Ed blabbered. He was broken out of his thoughts by a flick at his temple. Ed said that he'd asked Wade when he'd like to move in. Wade said, "Now, if I could. I have all my stuff in my car." Ed was more than happy to hand the apartment over.

     So, here Wade is, in his new shower, rubbing himself with a washcloth. He doesn't have any soap, (he'll buy some tomorrow) so he's only in the shower for a few minutes. The only reason he stays in at all is to feel a _little_ clean. He turns the water off and stretches. "I should rub one out, shouldn't I?" he asks you. You're probably thinking, _he **should** rub one out, _but Wade doesn't know what you're thinking, so it doesn't matter. He climbs out of the shower and sits on the edge of the bathtub. He lets his mind wander to Spidey: his perky little ass, how flexible his pale, lean, slender body is, his bright blue eyes, his innocent smile. "Peter Parker is a beautiful human being," he swoons and spits in his big hand. He wraps his fingers around his member and strokes it slowly. It's already half-hard, so it doesn't take long for him to get completely erect. He moans and throws his head back. "Mmm, Peter..." he moans. Wade starts to stroke himself faster and faster, until he feels his balls tighten up. His right hand moves down to his balls and fondles them. He screams and opens his eyes. He doesn't know when he closed them, which is weird because the light is on in the bathroom, and when he closes his eyes, he can't see the light anymore. Anyway, he's coming. His spunk doesn't shoot across the room like some people think it does; it dribbles out and doesn't go very far. Wade must not have a strong bulbocavernosus muscle. Anyhow, he comes and then he's sitting there, breathing heavily and smiling crookedly. 

     An hour later, Wade is sitting on the couch, (Ed had bought new furniture just to sell the place, and he left it for Wade) watching _The Real Housewives of Atlanta._ It is his favorite reality TV show, and he never gets to see it. Ed was kind enough to have the cable ready; he had _really_ wanted to move out, if I haven't conveyed this already. Wade had called a local taco joint right after he wrapped himself in a towel that might have been clean, and they were really busy. The guy on the phone said it might be over an hour until Wade got his three chicken burritos, but he was ok with that. The longer he waited, the more he'd want the burritos. The more he wanted the burritos, the more he would savor them. Common sense, duh. He's drifting off, and someone knocks at the door. He's instantly wide awake, and he practically runs to the door. He unlocks and opens it. Standing there is a man, about 5'11" holding a brown paper bag.

     "That'll be $18.50," he says uninterestedly. Wade runs over to the kitchen to grab his wallet off the table, and he runs back to the door. Justin (the delivery man) thinks Wade is either insane or high. Wade pulls out a twenty dollar bill. Justin hands him the bag, and Wade hands Justin the money.

     "Thank you so much. Keep the change." Justin rolls his eyes.

     "Whatever." With that, he walks away. Wade closes the door and locks it again. He runs to the kitchen and sets the bag on the table. He opens it, and inside is two Styrofoam containers.

     "These must be _huge_ if they can only fit two in each container!" Wade says. He takes the containers out, and at the bottom of the bag is plastic forks and napkins. He opens one of the Styrofoam containers and moans at the sight. Two big chicken burritos. Wade opens the other one and starts eating.

     It only takes Wade ten minutes to eat the three large burritos. Afterwards, he is unable to move. "Uuughh," he groans. "I should have saved the third one for tomorrow." You agree with him. You think it's a good idea for him to masturbate again, so that way he can burn all those calories he just ate. It's as if he read your mind. "I'll masturbate again to burn all the calories I just ate. I _do_ want to keep my figure!" This time, though, he's in the mood for something more. He would love to be filled with Peter's huge (that's how he imagined it, at least) cock, but Peter isn't here and Wade is horny _now._ He bends himself over the table and spits in his left hand again. It flies to his cock, and his index and middle fingers from his right hand go into his mouth. He imagines he's sucking Peter's probably huge cock. He takes the fingers out of his mouth once he feels they are sufficiently wet and pushes them inside his ass. He enjoys the slight burn from the stretch. It subsides after a few seconds, and he starts to fuck his asshole.

     Wade isn't necessarily a size queen, but he _does_ like putting big things inside his ass. That's literally the definition of 'size queen', but whatever. Anyway, he isn't exactly tight after he's been fucking himself with big dildos for so long, so he's able to fit three fingers inside in no time. He rams them against his prostate; he comes really fast when he does this. And come fast he does: after only five minutes, Wade is again screaming and crying and fucking his fingers through his orgasm. All of his cum ends up on the table, the floor, and smeared on his stomach. He runs his fingers through the mess on his stomach and puts them in his mouth. He loves the taste of his own cum. It's never too salty or sour or sweet or anything. _I wonder what Spidey's spunk tastes like,_ Wade thinks. He smiles. "I imagine it tastes sweet," he says to you. He chuckles and cleans up with the towel that was on him earlier. He makes his way to the bedroom, turning the television off on the way. He collapses into the bed, even though all he's put on it so far is a pillow, a blanket, and his favorite teddy bear. "This place is starting to feel like home already," he whispers to you. He smiles again and falls asleep to the sound of a headboard banging against the wall.


End file.
